May 9, 2025
Allison Brenner
We like to believe that when we ask someone a question, they'll give us an honest answer. But what if the way we frame our questions is actually encouraging them to be less truthful?
It happens more often than we think—in job interviews, in relationships, in leadership, and even in everyday conversations. The reality is that people don't always lie because they're dishonest; they lie because the way a question is asked makes them feel pressured, defensive, or like they need to give the "right" answer rather than the true one.
So, how can we ask better questions—ones that encourage honesty rather than evasion?
How We Accidentally Invite Dishonesty
The way we phrase our questions can unintentionally make honesty feel uncomfortable or even risky. Here are a few common ways this happens:
1. Leading Questions Put Words in Their Mouth
Example: "You wouldn't do something like that, would you?"
This type of question already suggests the answer you want to hear. The person responding will often tell you what they think you want, rather than what is true.
A better approach: Instead of guiding the person toward a particular answer, ask open-ended, neutral questions that allow for an honest response. ✅ "Can you walk me through what happened?"
2. Yes-or-No Questions Limit Honesty
Example: "Did you finish the project on time?"
This kind of question forces a binary answer—yes or no—even if the truth is more nuanced. If someone is worried about disappointing you, they might say "yes" even if the real answer is, "I got most of it done, but I hit a few roadblocks."
A better approach: Give them space to explain by asking in a way that assumes complexity. ✅ "How did the project go? Were there any challenges?"
A more personal example of this is when you ask your children "Did you brush your teeth?" Everyone knows what the right answer is, and using the word "did" implies that it was supposed to have already happened. It may bring at least a modicum of shame to acknowledge that they didn't do it when they knew they were supposed to.
A better approach: Did you brush your teeth yet or do you still need to?
Providing these options indicates it is okay to not have done it yet and there is still the opportunity to do what is expected without penalty.
3. Emotionally Charged Questions Make People Defensive
Example: "Why did it go so badly?"
When questions come across as accusatory, they trigger defensiveness. A person is much more likely to justify or distort the truth to protect themselves.
A better approach: Ask from a place of curiosity rather than blame. ✅ "What challenges did you face with that task?"
4. Asking in a Way That Suggests Judgment
Example: "You don't actually believe that, right?"
Questions that imply judgment or criticism make people more likely to lie, soften the truth, or avoid answering altogether to protect their reputation.
A better approach: ✅ "I'd love to understand your perspective on this—what led you to that conclusion?"
How to Ask for the Truth (and Actually Get It!)
Encouraging honesty isn't just about what you ask—it's also about how you ask. Here are a few ways to get more truthful, open responses:
✅ Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of "Did you like it?" try "What did you like or not like about it?"
✅ Stay Neutral: Remove any hint of judgment or expectation from your tone.
✅ Make It Safe to Be Honest: Show that you value honesty by responding calmly, even when you don't like the answer.
✅ Use Gentle Encouragement: "I really appreciate honesty, and I'd love to hear your real thoughts on this."
✅ Be Patient: Give them time to think and respond fully instead of rushing to fill the silence.
Honesty Starts with How We Ask
If you feel like people aren't always being honest with you, it might not be because they're liars—it might be because they don't feel safe telling the truth. By shifting how we ask questions, we can create an environment where people feel comfortable being open and transparent.
So next time you need an honest answer, pause and consider how you're asking. A small tweak in your approach could lead to a much bigger shift in trust and communication.